I take no responsibility for what I write tonight.

I have done hours of micro and macro homework, I have yelled at Statistics problems that I did a year ago and should already know and I am going partially mad. The only thing keeping me from running screaming into the Dallas night and becoming some strange homeless guy who accosts people for quarters yelling "ANSWER YOUR TELEPHONE!" is the bike. For an hour each day, the only thing my mind is focused on is "Just a few more miles, just a few more miles."

Facebook is a horrible thing. I found her while browsing facebook tonight. I must admit, I miss her. Her friendliness, her smile, her absolute insanity. I miss how the little conversations I had with her made me smile. Yes I admit it...
I miss that crazy Turk.
For those of you who know me... who'd you think I was going to say? My ex???????
No no no. Not at all. I miss la Turca. I hardly knew her, but she was so nice, and PRETTY! There was this strange warmth to her, even though she was almost completely self absorbed, and she stole soccer balls from poor Brazilians. She was nuts, but there was something... attractive about that. She was Dulcinea, to a T. Granted that... may not be the biggest compliment in the world, but there is something literary and noble to it.
I don't think its even necessarily her, but rather just the missed chances at KU. I miss everything that I could have done. Everything that I could have been. I miss Costa Rica. I miss Departmental Honors. I miss the Turk. I miss going out with my good friend "el hombre guapo." Mostly, I miss my brother, I miss my sister, and I miss the time I could have spent with them while I was at KU. It is true. You never do realize how much you have until its gone.

I've started reading Don Quijote again. This must not be good. I do strange things under the influence of Cervantes. I begin thinking noble thoughts. I begin seeing the funny aspects of life. The complete lunacies that permeate my entire life. Maybe doing too much statistics does it to me, or maybe deep down I just want to be an errant knight in a world that has no nobility. That and I keep listening to "Elias" and "the General" by Dispatch. I'm starting to feel strangely. I'm starting to feel like I might actually be able to change the world. Not the whole world, but everything around me. That for once, since my freshmen year in college, I am again powerful. That no matter what obstacles are put in my life, I can overcome them through diligence, faith, and perseverance. That life is not fair, but that I can live through it. My fondest memory is when I was in fifth grade, and I signed up for a kickboxing tournament. Because I was so small the only other contender I could face was a black belt, who had been doing ring fights for years (despite being as small and as young as I was). I must have taken five kicks straight to the gut and fallen three times, but each time I got back up. Each time I took the hit, I got back up and kept trying, despite being outmatched. I lost. But not by a knock out. My only regret is that I never got back in the ring. Not that I would have been any good, but I felt proud that I survived. That I staid conscious, and that I kept trying. Most of my life has been pretty much that situation, over and over. I get hit, and I get back up. There's no thought to it. There's no "I have to keep going." I just get back up. There's no other option considered.

I met a girl on Sunday, I won't say where, and I won't say her name. But after a few minutes I had judged her pretty much, and figured "well she's cute, but not my type." There was something funny about this girl. Not in a "make-fun" sort of way, but in a good story sort of way. Almost like the Turk. So I e-mailed my brother, sister, and parents, and told them the story. My brother actually looked this girl up online, and found out a few things about her college career that surprised me (it was that funny of a story). Things I would never have expected. Athletic achievements, academic pursuits, whatever... all these things that never came up in our short conversation. And suddenly I was impressed with the girl. She was still funny, but impressive. I realized tonight that being down here I have met some of the most amazing people without realizing it. Everyone I've met has been... funny or impressive or interesting or amazing in their own way. Dallas is.... I don't know the word for it. There has just been this extreme outpouring of kindness that I never felt in Lawrence. Whether its through this campus ministry group I attend, or through the amazing kindness that family friends have shown me, or the random kindness from the people who live in my building (a mis amigos de Dodge City, Kansas que viven en Hillcrest... muchas gracias para la comida!).
It's like everyone is "la Turca" in their own way here. Everyone has that warm smile, and everyone has that little bit of insanity that makes them unique.
Classmates, random acquaintances... everyone.
Dallas is nothing like what I expected. It's... home. My apartment sucks, but the city is home. Already.

So I'm going to this thing that this week that the girl invited me to. Not that I plan on pursuing her, and not that I plan on pursuing anyone (not seriously anyway), but just because... well... I'm curious. I want to know what her community is, and what it has to offer. And more so I want to know what I can offer to the communities that I find in Dallas. What can I do to make a difference?

And if you don't already know... I have a research paper topic. It's not like my departmental honors papers, which were too general and too weak to argue. I know what I want to do with these papers (all three of them) and what problems I want to solve. And if I have to pass two qualifying exams, and 30 more credit hours of courses... I'll do it. I always get back up.

As I said before. I'm very tired, and I've been doing a lot of math (which is unhealthy for anyone). So my apologies for the crazy thoughts. I just felt like I should share them. There is too much about this college, about this city... maybe even about this entire state, to just keep to myself.