Give and Take

Amazing how so much of this life is give and take.
Let me start with the easiest of these that I had to deal with yesterday.

Imagine my surprise this morning, while surfing the web of my dear alma-mater to see a few very familiar things pop up. Six new Fulbrights. Hey, good for them. Fulbright ideas are always pretty interesting, so I decided to pop in, see if anyone I knew had gotten it (my favorite Latin American Studies prof. was an expert at getting her departmental students these) and I started reviewing the descriptions. Right off the bat, that very first description seemed awfully familiar to me. In fact I could swear that I thought it up a year or two ago while in a Latin American Studies class studying ciudades nuevos -the slums outside of cities in Latin America- (for a better description see the movie "City of God" about Brazilian suburbs).
I looked at the name, and after a few seconds of a "WTF" (what the ****?) moment realized that yes... indeed. I did think of that idea more than a year ago. In fact, I thought of the idea, the place, and suggested them both in passing conversation to this person while our relationship and friendship were on the outs. Yes, that's right... I gave away a successful Fulbright Scholarship idea to my ex.
A google search later, I actually found the resume, and proposed research study. Very well developed, connected to a local charity group for grounding, taken to a new direction that I wouldn't have done (I would've looked at the economic and social view of it), and cleaned up probably by two or three advising profs. But the basis was the same. That basis which I was told, by the this same person back then, was a silly idea, couldn't be developed, and would probably not make an interesting addition to the scholarly world, especially not in her department, the most hallowed and "demanding" of all studies (I guess the Fulbright committee disagreed). But let's move on to the more important topic here: me.
So about ten minutes of shock, anger, ego-boosting (hey if I can come up with a Fulbright idea off-the-cuff that works once, I can do it again), acceptance, and finally amusement, later I have a good conversation with my brother and an old friend from KS (who's first comment was, "this proposal has your fingerprints all over it") about it, and life goes on. Oh well. I didn't polish it, I didn't develop it or go to professors for help on it. I just suggested it. Fair game. But still... deserves a happy-dance that I'm just that smart. Maybe these crack-pot ideas of mine have some worth after all.
In a related topic: I will now be selling Fulbright ideas to anyone who is interested. Please send me your department and interests, and I'll have a thesis for you by the end of two weeks. The full development will of course be left up to you. All for the low price of $250 (hey, you're getting a few thousand in scholarships from it. I just want dinner money so I can make more roast chicken and rice to eat while studying in the basement).

And now a slight more emotionally jarring, but brief, experience of give and take.
I bought a twelve pack of Dr. Pepper to put in the basement. I started noticing after a couple days the numbers were a little less then my counts when I left the fridge. My first thought was maintenance. They're the only other people with access tot he basement carrel, but they always seem to have their own food and drinks. Why would they steal mine?
Then yesterday, as I was taking a small computer break, I saw one of the fifth years walk in. We chatted a bit, joked around, and then I noticed he had a Dr. Pepper. ... my Dr. Pepper. I remembers my count this morning was two left. Not wanting to immediately accuse the fifth year without proof, we went on. He made no mention of where he got the Dr. Pepper, or that I was drinking a can with the exact same Hum-vee offer on it that his had. He just kept smiling with, what is commonly referred to in English as a "$#!%-eating-grin", and after a while I went back downstairs. Sure enough... one Dr. Pepper left. Bastard.
My Dr. Pepper is now safely locked in my desk, though luke warm. Serves me right for leaving it in the fridge where people can steal it. And shame on me for suspecting those nice maintenance folks.
I can always think up new Fulbright ideas... but I will never get those Dr. Peppers back.

Finally, and most importantly, that all important give and take between the people you love and those pesky irritants of life that get in the way.
I was having dinner with K and a couple other Indian students last night, and we were discussing the quals, the fact that I had to take them again, and how to best study for them. K suggested that I actually not go to my own sister's wedding to have more time to study. To which I angrily (maybe a little too angrily) told him that I was not going to miss my sister's wedding and I was offended at the suggestion of it. And then he proceeded to actually try and defend his position on it. Sure. One last chance to pass the quals, and one family member's wedding. That's not a hard decision for me, and I'm a little shocked that it's hard for K, considering he has a brother as well. But it brings to mind the things that I've sacrificed and overlooked for this program, and it makes me wonder how much more I'm going to be asked for it.
I didn't get as much time with la Ardilla, something that makes me a lot more happy and of sane-mind then studying. I forgot (until the last minute) my own mother's birthday, and didn't get her present sent until the night before. I also forgot Father's Day. I'm missing a friend's wedding in Tulsa, and I'm probably going to miss another friend's wedding in Tulsa. And it's not that these things are being taken from me that bothers me, it's that I'm giving them. Almost too easily. And it's expected, and even accepted even by the people that I love. Obviously there's oppurtunity cost to everything, and I can do both. I can get the PhD and spend time with people, if I budget wisely. But the give and take of it all is frustrating.
Apparently I do have a lot to give (other than Dr. Pepper), which makes me happy. Makes me feel useful. But at the same time how much should I take? How much should I give of which? What shouldn't I give at that? Obviously not the Dr. Pepper, but is the world of academia really so cut-throat and deceptive that people you trust at the time will take as much as they can and run with it?

wait... duh. Yeah. Of course it is. *sigh* Such is life.
Well back to the basement for me. Need to protect my stash, lash out at any economics-obsessed grad students who think I shouldn't go to my sister's wedding (idiots. Love you guys, seriously... but you're idiots), and think up more crack pot ideas that have no use what-so-ever... except that they do.

Hm... I sound a little bitter in this post still. :) .... I really wanted those Dr. Peppers too...